Today's Dear Hillary...

 

Dear Hillary, My husband is a very wealthy criminal philanthropist who had to flee the country due to some misunderstandings about certain "illegal" contracts with various foreign governments. I desperately want to see my husband again. What should I do?

Sincerely, Denise

Hillary answers: Dear Denise, If I'm elected President, I pledge to fight injustices like this one, even if it takes issuing a pardon for your husband. My recommendation is a $500,000 contribution to the DNC and a $1 million contribution to my husband's Presidential Library and Disco Lounge. Not that there's any sort of quid pro quo, of course. Because that would be illegal.

Kisses, Hillary

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Dear Hillary, My husband went to prison when he was wrongly convicted of being one of three men who violently assaulted two females. He is an innocent man and was sentenced to 130 years! Now, we think there is new DNA evidence that will prove he was not one of the three men involved in the crime. We don't have any money, but are wondering if you can help?

Sincerely, Theresa

Hillary answers: Sounds like your husband is S.O.L. Tough break, kid!

L.O.L., Hillary

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Dear Hillary, If you become President, I would like to become good friends with you. I have no ulterior motives whatsoever other than promoting a lasting friendship between the citizens of the United States and China. And if our peaceful peoople can get access to sensitive missile technologies along the way, so much the better! As you know, we have access to vast amounts of money and resources. We look forward to building our relationship with you!

Sincerely, General Zhu Chenghu

Hillary answers: Dear General Zhu, so lovely to hear from you! My personal take is that for a friendship to flourish, it requires a commitment by both parties involved. In your case, nothing says commitment like a $1 million check made out to the Democratic National Committee, through whatever appropriate cutouts make that sort of thing legal, of course. As for my commitment to you, look forward to an invitation to the White House after I take office. We can discuss deepening our countries' relationship and those missile thingies.

Cheerio! Hillary