Pure Comedy Gold: Obama Defends His Budget With an Unparalleled Series of Punch Lines

This has got to be the finest satire since OnionTV began broadcasting in 1853.

With the worst recession in generations behind us (Can't you just feel the powerful thrusts of the recovery?), President Obama has put forward a plan to rebuild our economy and win the future by out-innovating, out-educating, and out-building the rest of the world (With bullet-trains to bankruptcy!). But we cannot win the future if we pass a mountain of debt on to our children and our grandchildren (So let's pass on a whole mountain range!).

That's why the President's 2012 federal budget takes responsibility for our deficits (Rimshot!) and puts the nation on a path to live within its means (After the collapse). It's a responsible approach that cuts wasteful spending and, as so many American families must do every day, it makes tough choices on things we can't afford (Like increasing funding for teachers and the NEA, which will get funneled right back to my campaign fund in 2012! Isn't being Prez cool?). This plan institutes a five-year spending freeze that will reduce domestic spending to its lowest level since the Eisenhower administration (And we calculated those numbers using computers from that administration).

Over the next decade, it reduces the deficit by more than $1 trillion -- two-thirds of it from spending cuts (Which represents 14% of the $8 trillion in my new deficit spending!). Through this budget, the President meets his pledge to cut the deficit he inherited in half by the end of his first term (Eh, what?).

In addition to responsible spending cuts (Rimshot!), the President¹s budget makes targeted investments in America's incubators of growth: education, innovation, clean energy, and infrastructure (Read: teachers' unions, AFSCME, the environmental-flat-Earth-no-growth Marxists and the AFL-CIO). It reforms how Washington does business, putting more federal funding up for competition and reforming government to make it smarter, more effective and better prepared to meet the needs of the 21st century (Public sector unions).

The President's 2012 federal budget restores responsibility to government and spending, while still working to help spur private-sector job creation and grow the economy for the long run.

This stuff is awesome. Someone has a serious shot at a permanent writing gig at SNL.