Eight Handy Inventions the Jihadis Can Use in Prison

These are kinds of tools that the Jihadis destined for Illinois can be expected to employ.

Prison Lighter: Wrap a AA battery in duct tape having strapped a wire to the negative end (that's the bottom of the battery, for you liberals). Touch the other side of the wire to the positive end and the exposed metal coil in the center of the wire will heat up enough to light your ciggie.

Prison Tattoo Gun: Nothing says you done served your time like a solid set of prison tats. Use a battery to power a motor that pushes a needle in and out in rapid fashion. Choices of colors are limited to whatever Bic pens you have in stock, however, which usually means the standard blue prison fare.

Prison Pipe: Stoners have the uncanny ability to use anything as a pipe and in this case they employed a tube of German horseradish. It reportedly functions superbly while amping up the flava.

Prison Shiv: The Lord works in mysterious ways as the dude who was on the wrong end of this shiv found out.

Prison Brass Knuckles: this robust take on the classic design is gauran-frickin-teed to leave a mark.

Prison Whip: for those frustrated by the inability to import nunchucks into prison, the next best thing may be the prison whip. Anchored with a stunning (and heavy) item like a bolt, it features multiple old-school razor blades for that special someone.

Prison Projectile Zip Gun: ground up match-heads can be used as a primitive form of gunpowder that can propel anything small and heavy you have on hand -- machine screws, nuts, bolts, the stray rock, for instance.

Prison four-round zip gun: If his handiwork hadn't been both deadly and illegal, this prisoner deserved an "A" in shop class. The barrels are loaded with cartridges and rotate, revolver style, into position in front of the firing pin.

Remember, don't bring a shiv to a gunfight.

My advice to the guards of these Jihadists? Use overwhelming force.


Major Hat tip: Sloshspot.