But She's Not Bitter

I refer, of course, to this hilarious report from Taegan Goddard's Political Wire:

Clinton Will Skip Democratic Convention

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will not be attending the 2012 Democratic National Convention, the Charlotte Observer reports.

"This year, she's secretary of State. And as the country's chief diplomat, she's expected to stay above all things partisan" as "various federal statutes and the State Department's ethical guidelines will keep Secretary Clinton in Washington."

Hillary Clinton. "Above all things partisan."

BWWHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHWHWHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHWHWHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH AHA HHWHAWHWHAHAHHAHWHWHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAWH HWHAHHAHWHHAHHA (*gasp*) AHAHSHWHHWHAHAHAHHWHAHAHHAHA (*wheeze*) AHAHHHAHAHWHWHHHWHWHAHAHHHAH (*choke*) HAHWA (*oww*) HAH --- (*gurgle*) ---

Hold on. Must. Catch. Breath.

I think I just wrenched my clavicle.

See, there's this amazing new tool called "Google" and -- in about 17 seconds -- discovered the following news items from the last couple of months alone. Yes, I discovered the following severely partisan statements by none other than Hillary Rodham:

• CNN, 1 April 2012: "Clinton criticizes Romney's remarks on Russia"

• The Hill, 27 February 2012 - "Hillary: These Republicans are inflaming the situation in Afghanistan by criticizing Obama for apologizing"

• Fox, 26 February 2012 - "Hillary Clinton Urges Muslims To 'Not Pay Attention' To Republicans"

Two more diametrically opposed concepts you'd be hard pressed to find anywhere: (a) Hillary; and (b) Above partisanship.