Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A public service announcement from Janet Napolitano

The following is a public service announcement from the Secretary of Homeland Security, Ms. Janet Napolitano.

Good evening. My fellow Americans, I speak to you this evening to address the controversy that has erupted over our enhanced screening techniques (ESTs), which were designed to ensure the safety and equal rights of all religions.

A little background may be in order. We all remember the tragic, man-caused disaster of 9/11. This resulted in new ESTs, including banning of small knives, childrens' scissors, and other dangerous weapons.

Shortly thereafter, airline passengers were able to prevent a shoe-bomb from detonating. We upgraded our ESTs to include shoe removal and scanning.

Several months later, a plot was uncovered to bring down airliners using liquids carried on board in water bottles. We modified our ESTs to ban all fluid containers over 4 ounces in size.

Late last year, a passenger of an unspecified religious background used under-garments constructed with an explosive material to attempt to destroy an airplane. Reacting swiftly to this development, I ordered the deployment of full-body scanning technology and complete pat-downs of passengers.

Yesterday, a man was captured after boarding a plane with a specially constructed bomb that had been inserted into his rectum. This weapon's plastic construction and use of PETN had evaded our screening process.

I'm therefore pleased to announce the addition of a new EST that will be added to our suite of counter-man-made-disaster measures. After your full-body scan or pat-down, simply grab your ankles, bend over and wait for the attendant to release your hips.

This is a small price to pay to ensure that we will never have to profile certain religions, no matter how obvious that need may become.

One more thing: you are required to bring your own lubricant -- the container for which may not be over 4 ounces in size.

Thank you, and may secular Gaia bless this country.


Anonymous said...

If U.S. bomb sniffing dogs were good enough to provide recon, prior to Obama's trip to India they should be used in Airports.

If there is a shortage of trained dogs to snif bombs or bomb making material, pigs are intelligent and very fast learners and should also be employed.

OLD FAN said...

Napolitano is a 'man made disaster'.

The Democratic Partisan who vetoed repeated Republican efforts to deal with the illegal - border problem in Arizona, and talked about building ladders to overcome any security walls constructed to protect the USA.

Typical for the Democrats to put incompetent fools in every position, like Hillary Clinton at the State Department.

Democratic Partisan disaster.

Afraid to profile and target the actual terrorists, and we all end up paying for the Democrat malfeasance.

Another Ross classic - well done.

West for the West Wing 2012 said...

Jeez... I was going to say "LOL!"
but then I realized that in all likelihood, this really will come to pass!

Everyone should see the rollicking satire "An American Carol"--you really will ROFLYAO. But there's a scene in there involving rectal searches because of a "suppository bomber"--just like depicted here.

But here's thing--that movie also depicted the full-body scanners--and the movie was made several years ago--it was supposed to be SATIRE--and yet, now it's happening for real---which makes me think rectal searches may turn out to be real, too....

2012 can NOT come soon enough! We have GOT to kick some PC, Islam-appeasing butt!!! Go West!


West for the West Wing 2012 said...


The pigs are a stroke of GENIUS. And they would serve the additional purpose of deterring fundamentalist Muslims from flying--I LOVE IT!