Sunday, January 23, 2011

This Week With Christiane Amanpour -- in 90 Seconds

Don't have the time or masochistic tendencies required to watch Christiane's "news" show? Not to worry, dear reader. Biff Spackle's high-speed transcription skills allow you to read the synopsis in a little under 90 seconds.

AMANPOUR: Can you guess the president's new theme for 2011? Hint: it's the same as his old theme. With us to discuss the new theme are three senators who have decided not to run for reelection because of their principles and the fact that they'd get their asses kicked, but mostly because they'd have gotten their asses kicked.

But first, let's find out what's driving Obama's dramatically improved poll numbers.

AXELROD: We promised that the economy would recover and we delivered. Check out the unemployment numbers, chumps!

GERGEN: He benefited from the Tucson shootings and his magnificent speech in the tragic aftermath. I believe he needs more shootings on a regular basis to keep the momentum going on his poll numbers.

TAPPER: This is the new, business-friendly Obama, who believes in capitalism so long as it's centrally managed in Washington.

GIBBS: A polygraph? Why would you want me to take a polygraph?

AMANPOUR: Now, three senators who chose not to run for reelection in 2012. What do you think about the claims of a renewed bipartisanship and how it relates to President Obama's State of the Union address?

LIEBERMAN: Well, he's proved he's a centrist now and his speech will showcase his new, grayer hair. He looks far more distinguished and moderate. And civil.

HUTCHISON: If I had a dime for every regulation this president has proposed, I'd be a billionaire. If he's a centrist, I'm a lock to win against a truly conservative GOP candidate.

CONRAD: Look, it's all about jobs. Just like 2010 and 2009. Jobs. J-O-B-S. Christiane, look -- over there -- it's a greenhouse gas!

AMANPOUR: Everywhere I go around this country, whether it's the Upper East Side or the Upper West Side, people want moderation and civility. You three are all about to get booted, I mean you're all retiring, yet you have a reputation for being so moderate and, some would say, wishy-washy. What's really motivating your departure?

LIEBERMAN: People no longer trust the Ouija board that I use to make my decisions. Every decision is grounded in what the Ouija demon spirits tell me -- and for the voter, that's just not good enough any more.

CONRAD: Everyone's mad about government spending, TARP in particular. But, look, TARP was Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fault... Bush's fa--

AMANPOUR: But Democrats all supported TARP too...

CONRAD: I have to use the bathroom, may I be excused?

AMANPOUR: Certainly. Now, Senator Hutchison, you're super, super conservative, yet the Tea Party opposes you. How can these right-wing lunatics have achieved this popular support?

HUTCHISON: Two words: Sarah Palin. She's evil. Perhaps even the spawn of Satan. She must be stopped. And the Tea Party must be stopped. She's their leader. Did you ever see V? Can you imagine? Sarah Palin beating Barack Obama? What would happen to our country then? How could we ever return to the insane levels of spending and cronyism if someone like her were elec--

AMANPOUR: That's all the time we have, Senators -- thank you very much -- and best of luck in your new professions serving fast food or checking oil at JiffyLube.

Idea: Moonbat Patriot.

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