Comcastic! New Owner Shakes Up MSNBC's Lineup

NBC has a new owner: the cable giant Comcast. With new ownership comes a dramatic revamp of the network's money-losing news operation, the flagship for which is MSNBC (or "MSLSD", which are the call letters it prefers).

In order to discover the inner workings of the revamp, Cub Reporter Biff Spackle decided to hack into Comcast's super-secret Gmail account. But you didn't hear that from me.

What he found will rock your world: Comcast's new lineup for MSNBC will position the channel to the right of Fox News. Check out the all-new lineup of shows on MSNBC:

1PM (Reality) Fear Factor: Iran -- contestants Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell and Sean Penn are subjected to the Mullahs' harsh brand of justice after being captured 'spying' in Tehran

2PM (Gameshow) Presidential Jeopardy -- computer simulation pits Republicans Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan against Democrats Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama on topics ranging from the free market to the Bill of Rights

3PM (Comedy) Flipper -- relive John Kerry's hilarious policy shifts as he desperately tries to salvage his 2004 presidential campaign

4PM (Drama) Bolton's Heroes -- the former ambassador desperately tries to prevent the last neuron from escaping Jimmy Carter's brain

5PM (Education) After-school Special: Socialism--The Slow Road to Genocide

6PM (News) Conservative News Hour (guests: Michelle Bachmann, Jim DeMint, Mike Pence)

7PM (Documentary) Bewitched: Washington -- host Michelle Malkin attempts to conduct an exorcism of Nancy Pelosi

8PM (News) The Mark Levin Show (panelists wired with Invisible Fence collars: Bill Maher, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Joy Behar)

9PM (Reality) The Palins, episode 3, President Palin's family moves into the White House

10PM (History) American Foundations - July, 1776 - the colonies risk everything to declare their separation from England's oppressive rule

11PM (News) The 11 O'Clock Newt - Host Newt Gingrich opines on the day's events

12AM (Documentary) The Reagan Legacy, episode 73, October 1980

1AM (Reality) Punk'd - Host Ashton Kutscher sets up a hilarious prank in which Harry Reid is permanently committed to an insane asylum

2AM (Reality) Pimp My RINO - Lindsey Graham visits the garage for a makeover

3AM (Drama) Fetal Forensics with Andrew Sullivan

4AM (Exercise) Celebrity Fit Club 12: Jeff Goldstein uses Michael Moore as a living heavy bag to attempt to get the director to lose weight (episode name: 'Pound the Stupid Out o' Ya')

5AM (Documentary) Understanding the Constitution - Heritage Foundation hosts a discussion of private property rights, free markets and the wonders of capitalism -- John Locke, Adam Smith and Milton Friedman [Repeat]