Wednesday, January 19, 2011

China's Illustrated Love Letter to Dr. James Hansen

'Deep Sprocket', which is Cub Reporter Biff Spackle's codename (don't ask why he has a codename, since we already know his identity), claims he discovered this letter on Dr. James Hansen's FAX machine.

Dr. James E. Hansen
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies
2880 Broadway
New York, NY 10025 USA

Dear Dr. Hansen,

On behalf of the People's Republic of China, I would like to formally thank you for your exquisitely kind remarks of November 24th.

The accuracy of our statement that "Chinese leadership takes a long view [of the environment], perhaps because of the long history of their culture, in contrast to the West with its short election cycles" is exemplified by our Hebei Province Shexian Tianjin Iron and steel plant (河北省涉县天津钢铁厂), which meets our most stringent anti-pollution guidelines.

And we do indeed have "the capacity to implement policy decisions rapidly", such as maintaining the pristine rivers near Guiyu, Guangdong province (广东省贵屿镇).

Your assessment that the PRC's "leaders seem to seek the best technical information and do not brand as a hoax that which is inconvenient" could not be more true. Our water treatment facilities are state-of-the-art and expel purified wastewater deep into the ocean.

We love your idea that we should impose "rising internal carbon fees"; in fact, we have already begun to do so in many facilities, including the Lasengmiao Power Plant (内蒙古拉僧庙发电厂).

We could also use "existing rules of the World Trade Organization [to] allow collection of a rising border duty on products from all nations that do not have an equivalent internal carbon fee or tax" -- this idea is pure genius, for many countries do not have our strict processes for treating industrial wastewater like this plant in the Lasengmiao Industrial District (内蒙古拉僧庙工业园区).

Furthermore, we agree that this would force the "United States ... to make a choice. It could either address its fossil-fuel addiction ... or ... accept continual descent into second-rate and third-rate economic well-being." Correct. Someday, all countries will have advanced facilities that are kind to the environment like this one in Hanchen city, Shaanxi Province (陕西省韩城市龙门镇).

Someday, all nations will enforce the strict carbon capture rules of the 100 chemical plants in Jiangsu province coastal industry district(江苏滨海头罾沿海化工园区), which discharge purified wastewater into the ocean.

Or the Anhui Province Cihu Chemical Industry District (安徽省慈湖化工园区), which built a underground pipe that discharges immaculately cleansed wastewater into the Yangtze River.

Someday all nations will create green jobs like China; an example is this 15-year-old boy from Tianshui, Gansu Province (甘肃天水) who dropped out of school after 2nd grade to make, how you say, bling bling?

This couple just arrived home from their high-paying green jobs in the Heilonggui (黑龙贵) Industrial District, where they work at the low-carbon-emission Plaster Kiln!

Someday all nations will have the green jobs available for citizens of any age, like this group of children. The oldest is nine and the youngest is two -- and their jobs are so fulfilling, they do not need to go to school!

In conclusion, Dr. Hansen, we want to thank you for highlighting all of our environmentally friendly policies that are far, far superior to those of your home country. We believe you deserving of our highest and most noble title for Americans like you: Order of the Useful Idiot.

Warmest Regards,


Dr. Xiang Wu Ho
People's Liberation Army
Office of Biological and Chemical Warfare

Related: Hansen Prefers China-style dictatorship and rule by decree to fight 'global warming'. Images: ChinaHush: Amazing Pictures of Pollution in China.

1 comment:

Shayne said...

Damn, Doug. You're better than "The Onion!"